Deja Vu..

Darkness will always be lurking inside you, preying on you when you least expect it. You might think that it has disappeared after so many years of absence, but deep inside it is still waiting for the sun to set. You will never break free from it.

Twenties..

Feels like an eternity since I've poured my soul out in this open, yet desolated space. Even so, it seems like the right time and place for me to spill out my feelings, again. It's almost the end 2014, and there will be few more months left before I am no longer in my 20s. 

What have I been doing till now? Nothing spectacular. My work has been repetitive and I don't think I have any passion to stay on. The only incentive that keeps me going now is the salary that they are paying me. I mentioned in one of my previous post that my manager offered me a position where I do not have to work shift hours with other promises. It was all pure bullshit. Nothing happened as he had no power to give me that particular position and was rejected by another manager. Fast forward 3 years later, I did receive opportunities to learn new things in different teams, but sadly still on shift hours. Oh well.

Looking through my Facebook news feeds, quite a number of my high school friends have already gotten married with kids. Some of them are even doing well with their jobs, travelling all around the world and having the time of their lives. 

Looking in the mirror, I am still where I was. Maybe a little meatier, less hair and more skin problems. My level of confidence and self esteem is mostly non existence, but I do hide it well when people are around. I do not have any friends from the past to hold on to, and none in the present for me to look forward to. 

I used to have someone who I can call my bestie. I was there for him when he was bored, when he was heart broken, or when he just needed someone to be there. I drove him to the clubs and back home while he got himself drunk. I tagged along when he was out meeting guys that he is not comfortable meeting alone. I became the middle person when he had problems with his ex boyfriend and even went dinner together with them. It was awkward, but I was still there for him. I have never felt so close to someone else besides Robb, and it felt nice. 

However, things turned around when he met his current boyfriend. He started to spend less time (or none at all) with his friends, and even with me. Chats became short messages, and I hardly ever see him anymore. This went on for awhile until they had some fight, and he started to come into my life again. Long story short, they got back together and now I'm being left out again. I feel so stupid and used, and I'm not sure if I can trust anyone else to really be a friend to them anymore. 

As such, I'm now back to my usual routine of going to work and back home. I do not have any close friend to hang out with, no group to travel with, and no one to drink with when I'm feeling down for no good reason. I don't even enjoy playing games on my PC as much as I used to and get bored easily from it.

Looking on the bright side, I'm still with Robb and feeling loved every single day. I have 3 very cute, lovely, but noisy dogs. I would not let them go even if my skin melts from my allergy. One might say that this is what most people look for, especially for gays. I'm blessed to have him loving me even after all these years, but, somehow I still feel incomplete at times. I have no social life.

Now that I'm almost 30, I'm still as lost as I was. I have no past, uncertain present, and no future plans. It's a dark road ahead. 

~§hö©kWävê~

Self Esteem..

"Believe not in yourself, but the people who believe in you"

For someone who is low on self esteem such as me, this particular comment in Facebook by a friend of mine is quite suitable for me.

~§hö©kWävê~

Ripples..

Sitting alone in Coffee Bean with nothing to do made me feel like pouring my soul into this this silent place again. With so many things happening lately, I wonder how much difference would it make in the lives of Malaysians. Would it be enough to finally turn this country around for a new start? No one knows what the future holds, but those brave enough to start this ripple of change will definitely make a difference in stirring the emotions of others who are afraid to stand up and defend their rights. I for one have been affected, though not much, but still it's a start. I was never interested in politics, but to see so much lies and unjust that we have suffered, I guess I should take more interest in what is happening around the country or at least register to be a voter. Yes, I'm 26 and I have yet to register. 

This is indeed a sad country. To fear those that were supposed to protect us, to be told lies by those who were supposed to lead us, and to suffer the consequences of their greed. If things do not change, I wonder how many people will flee this forsaken place. There is still hope as more and more of the younger generations are taking interest to fight for what is rightfully theirs, and not just cower at home like me. Let's just hope the ripple of change will grow big enough to make a difference before there is no hope left in the hearts of those brave people fighting for our freedom.

As for myself, a person who is not comfortable with change, has been going through situations where changes are necessary. I left my idle job as a concierge early this year, right before Chinese New Year and got myself a higher pay job in a call centre. I did not leave in a proper way, as the manager was not keen on letting me go and was not very cooperative when I wanted to find a solution with him for me to leave early. Started on the new job and was fine at first, but started to feel the toll of working shift hours terribly. Had to work during hours where everyone else was free, and was free when everyone else are working. It reached the point where I unwillingly had to force myself to go to work everyday.

I then that I want to find a more stable job, especially in the working hours. I did not search hard though and took my time as usual, as I am in my comfortable zone. Somehow I landed myself an interview with a company that sells products to hotels, and was given quite a good offer and it seemed like a nice place to work as it is not a big company, which means less politics as well. After going through the second interview, I was offered the job and could start as soon as I can. Took me a while to finally decide to leave my current job and take a risk in this new offer. I wasn't sure that I could cope with this new job as I have never been in this line before and it took some convincing from Robb and few of my close friends that I could do it.

However, when I finally spoke to my boss regarding my resignation, I was told that he actually knew about this issue and wanted to propose something else to me. I wonder which colleague of mine told him this =.='. He was actually planning to switch me to another department where the working hours are fixed and I can have one of the weekends off for certain, instead of working shift hours and having off days on weekdays like what I am having now. It is sort of a promotion, and he was even planning to send me to Bangkok with few others for a week to work in the main office. Hearing this itself was attractive enough to make me stay as it made me felt like I was valued in this company, as there were few others who tendered resignation recently and they were not asked to stay. I'm not sure how true is it that my boss had this plan since the beginning, but it made me feel like I'm not useless, even though it was just a brief feeling before I revert back to the low self-esteem me.  

Making decisions is something that I'm never good at, and to think that I have to make another decision after I have forced myself to resign. Blah. After another round of mental torture, I finally decided to stay on and see where this road will lead me. Robb says that my career is progressing slowly, all I see is more stress added to my life and less hair on my head =.='. Hopefully I can handle, as with more salary comes greater responsibilities, and less savings. Lol. Felt good to be able to write smoothly again. =)

~§hö©kWävê~

Offline..

I feel like writing again, but, not over here.. Should just shut this place down..

~§hö©kWävê~

The Last Week of 2010..

Last weekend was quite relaxing and enjoyable. I sort of organized a small steamboat dinner with Robb and some of my online friends during Christmas Eve in Xiao Fei Yang. Not all of them know each other, so I was afraid that it might get awkward, but I'm glad that it turned out fine. The usual ones were there, Jason and Evan, as well as two other Jason's, one which I haven't met for a very long time, and another one who stays nearby my house. There was Marvin as well, a friend which I've been chatting online with but just met up on that night. The food was quite nice and wasn't really that expensive as I've thought it will be.

Some of us went to Market Place after dinner that night, and there wasn't really much of a crowd there. Although it was a Friday night, we thought there would at least be more people there since it was a Christmas eve. We had some problems going in as Marvin was still below 21, but we managed to sort it out. He was kinda the main attraction in our group that night as almost everyone was all over him, literally. I find him attractive too, but felt envy towards him as well as I don't think I've ever had this much attention.

Come to think of it, I've always had this feeling of being envy of other people's life. The good looks that they have, they places they have been, the friends they have, etc. When I feel this way, my self esteem reverts back to what is was when I was in secondary school, which is very low. When will I ever learn to feel good about myself? My career is nothing great, but at least I have a job. I have a very fantastic boyfriend of 5 years and two cute dogs which most people would be envy of. As for friends, I can't say I don't have any, just not really close ones that I can find to hang out with all the time.

I guess the only time when I feel good is when Robb is around me. Maybe I should hit the gym more often to tone up my body as well as my confidence.With the year ending, most people will be making their new year resolutions. Maybe this should be one of my main things-to-do that I should stick to, besides finding a new job. Well, I guess I should live the remaining three days of the year 2010 as much as I could. What should I do on New Year's eve? Hm.

~§hö©kWävê~

Christmas Mood..

With a blink of the eye, it's already the last month of the year 2010. It will be weeks before Christmas but I can already feel the holiday mood in me. Still no plans as usual, and I think it's gonna be just me and Robb again. It has been this way for a very long time, celebrating holidays with just each other. It's not that I don't appreciate being with him, I'm very happy that we've spent all our holidays together. It's just that sometimes I need to feel that I belong somewhere else as well, maybe like a small group of close friends that can hang out with us during such festivals, or go on a holiday trip somewhere.

Robb will be going off on a company trip next week, and I'll be home alone from Monday till Friday. He bought one World of Warcraft account for me to play so that I don't get bored as he knows how much I love playing online games. It's nice, but I think it won't replace the feeling of having someone around. I've been moody lately, especially when I'm left alone at home or sitting alone at work. It feels as though the depressed side of me from my teenage years have caught up with me, and it's not a good feeling. Guess it's back to emo posts.

Merry Christmas.

~§hö©kWävê~