Self Esteem..

"Believe not in yourself, but the people who believe in you"

For someone who is low on self esteem such as me, this particular comment in Facebook by a friend of mine is quite suitable for me.

~§hö©kWävê~

Ripples..

Sitting alone in Coffee Bean with nothing to do made me feel like pouring my soul into this this silent place again. With so many things happening lately, I wonder how much difference would it make in the lives of Malaysians. Would it be enough to finally turn this country around for a new start? No one knows what the future holds, but those brave enough to start this ripple of change will definitely make a difference in stirring the emotions of others who are afraid to stand up and defend their rights. I for one have been affected, though not much, but still it's a start. I was never interested in politics, but to see so much lies and unjust that we have suffered, I guess I should take more interest in what is happening around the country or at least register to be a voter. Yes, I'm 26 and I have yet to register. 

This is indeed a sad country. To fear those that were supposed to protect us, to be told lies by those who were supposed to lead us, and to suffer the consequences of their greed. If things do not change, I wonder how many people will flee this forsaken place. There is still hope as more and more of the younger generations are taking interest to fight for what is rightfully theirs, and not just cower at home like me. Let's just hope the ripple of change will grow big enough to make a difference before there is no hope left in the hearts of those brave people fighting for our freedom.

As for myself, a person who is not comfortable with change, has been going through situations where changes are necessary. I left my idle job as a concierge early this year, right before Chinese New Year and got myself a higher pay job in a call centre. I did not leave in a proper way, as the manager was not keen on letting me go and was not very cooperative when I wanted to find a solution with him for me to leave early. Started on the new job and was fine at first, but started to feel the toll of working shift hours terribly. Had to work during hours where everyone else was free, and was free when everyone else are working. It reached the point where I unwillingly had to force myself to go to work everyday.

I then that I want to find a more stable job, especially in the working hours. I did not search hard though and took my time as usual, as I am in my comfortable zone. Somehow I landed myself an interview with a company that sells products to hotels, and was given quite a good offer and it seemed like a nice place to work as it is not a big company, which means less politics as well. After going through the second interview, I was offered the job and could start as soon as I can. Took me a while to finally decide to leave my current job and take a risk in this new offer. I wasn't sure that I could cope with this new job as I have never been in this line before and it took some convincing from Robb and few of my close friends that I could do it.

However, when I finally spoke to my boss regarding my resignation, I was told that he actually knew about this issue and wanted to propose something else to me. I wonder which colleague of mine told him this =.='. He was actually planning to switch me to another department where the working hours are fixed and I can have one of the weekends off for certain, instead of working shift hours and having off days on weekdays like what I am having now. It is sort of a promotion, and he was even planning to send me to Bangkok with few others for a week to work in the main office. Hearing this itself was attractive enough to make me stay as it made me felt like I was valued in this company, as there were few others who tendered resignation recently and they were not asked to stay. I'm not sure how true is it that my boss had this plan since the beginning, but it made me feel like I'm not useless, even though it was just a brief feeling before I revert back to the low self-esteem me.  

Making decisions is something that I'm never good at, and to think that I have to make another decision after I have forced myself to resign. Blah. After another round of mental torture, I finally decided to stay on and see where this road will lead me. Robb says that my career is progressing slowly, all I see is more stress added to my life and less hair on my head =.='. Hopefully I can handle, as with more salary comes greater responsibilities, and less savings. Lol. Felt good to be able to write smoothly again. =)

~§hö©kWävê~

Offline..

I feel like writing again, but, not over here.. Should just shut this place down..

~§hö©kWävê~

The Last Week of 2010..

Last weekend was quite relaxing and enjoyable. I sort of organized a small steamboat dinner with Robb and some of my online friends during Christmas Eve in Xiao Fei Yang. Not all of them know each other, so I was afraid that it might get awkward, but I'm glad that it turned out fine. The usual ones were there, Jason and Evan, as well as two other Jason's, one which I haven't met for a very long time, and another one who stays nearby my house. There was Marvin as well, a friend which I've been chatting online with but just met up on that night. The food was quite nice and wasn't really that expensive as I've thought it will be.

Some of us went to Market Place after dinner that night, and there wasn't really much of a crowd there. Although it was a Friday night, we thought there would at least be more people there since it was a Christmas eve. We had some problems going in as Marvin was still below 21, but we managed to sort it out. He was kinda the main attraction in our group that night as almost everyone was all over him, literally. I find him attractive too, but felt envy towards him as well as I don't think I've ever had this much attention.

Come to think of it, I've always had this feeling of being envy of other people's life. The good looks that they have, they places they have been, the friends they have, etc. When I feel this way, my self esteem reverts back to what is was when I was in secondary school, which is very low. When will I ever learn to feel good about myself? My career is nothing great, but at least I have a job. I have a very fantastic boyfriend of 5 years and two cute dogs which most people would be envy of. As for friends, I can't say I don't have any, just not really close ones that I can find to hang out with all the time.

I guess the only time when I feel good is when Robb is around me. Maybe I should hit the gym more often to tone up my body as well as my confidence.With the year ending, most people will be making their new year resolutions. Maybe this should be one of my main things-to-do that I should stick to, besides finding a new job. Well, I guess I should live the remaining three days of the year 2010 as much as I could. What should I do on New Year's eve? Hm.

~§hö©kWävê~

Christmas Mood..

With a blink of the eye, it's already the last month of the year 2010. It will be weeks before Christmas but I can already feel the holiday mood in me. Still no plans as usual, and I think it's gonna be just me and Robb again. It has been this way for a very long time, celebrating holidays with just each other. It's not that I don't appreciate being with him, I'm very happy that we've spent all our holidays together. It's just that sometimes I need to feel that I belong somewhere else as well, maybe like a small group of close friends that can hang out with us during such festivals, or go on a holiday trip somewhere.

Robb will be going off on a company trip next week, and I'll be home alone from Monday till Friday. He bought one World of Warcraft account for me to play so that I don't get bored as he knows how much I love playing online games. It's nice, but I think it won't replace the feeling of having someone around. I've been moody lately, especially when I'm left alone at home or sitting alone at work. It feels as though the depressed side of me from my teenage years have caught up with me, and it's not a good feeling. Guess it's back to emo posts.

Merry Christmas.

~§hö©kWävê~

Late Comers..

It is very frustrating to have colleagues that is ALWAYS late for work, especially if you’re working shift hours. I mean, they should know how the traffic is like from their house to the work place especially since they’ve been working here for so long, so why can’t they come out earlier instead of giving excuses such as getting stuck in the jam? And if they have to work in the morning, for gods sake why do they even think of going out late at night and come to work feeling like a zombie and then complain about it? If it happens once awhile then it is understandable, but if it happens all the time then it has already become a bad habit.

~§hö©kWävê~

Steamboat..

I don’t think I can ever get enough of this, for now. I just had steamboat last Saturday, and now I’m craving for it again. Have to control myself from having an overdose of it as I might get sick of it someday, which I don’t want to. It’s just like how I used to love the cookies from Famous Amos until Robb gave me an overdose as he keeps on buying it for me, and he does not want to eat it with me so I had to finish them all by myself. Now I can’t even stand the smell of it. =.=”

Steamboat tonight anyone?

~§hö©kWävê~

Asus Eee PC 1015 PEM Netbook..

I bought this new toy last Saturday before heading for steamboat in Sunway with Robb, Jason and few other bloggers. I was quite indecisive at first as there were lots of different offers in Low Yat, and the salesmen were all giving me different information. I had to go there three times before I finally decided to buy it.

I got it for RM 1199.00, after changing the RAM to a 2GB DDR3. The specs are quite good for the price that I’m paying for I guess, and most of all, I love the colour! It kinda replaces my obsession for the white iPhone4, as I heard that it won’t be coming out, so I’m quite happy with this purchase.

I’m currently writing using my new toy, but sadly I’m stationed to work in one of the towers that does not have internet connectivity. I’ll be stuck here most of the week, so I can’t use my netbook much to online. Guess I’ll just chuck in some movie series for now, or slowly update my blog since I don’t have much distractions from FB or MSN.

Till next time,

~§hö©kWävê~