Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Feels like an eternity since I've poured my soul out in this open, yet desolated space. Even so, it seems like the right time and place for me to spill out my feelings, again. It's almost the end 2014, and there will be few more months left before I am no longer in my 20s. 

What have I been doing till now? Nothing spectacular. My work has been repetitive and I don't think I have any passion to stay on. The only incentive that keeps me going now is the salary that they are paying me. I mentioned in one of my previous post that my manager offered me a position where I do not have to work shift hours with other promises. It was all pure bullshit. Nothing happened as he had no power to give me that particular position and was rejected by another manager. Fast forward 3 years later, I did receive opportunities to learn new things in different teams, but sadly still on shift hours. Oh well.

Looking through my Facebook news feeds, quite a number of my high school friends have already gotten married with kids. Some of them are even doing well with their jobs, travelling all around the world and having the time of their lives. 

Looking in the mirror, I am still where I was. Maybe a little meatier, less hair and more skin problems. My level of confidence and self esteem is mostly non existence, but I do hide it well when people are around. I do not have any friends from the past to hold on to, and none in the present for me to look forward to. 

I used to have someone who I can call my bestie. I was there for him when he was bored, when he was heart broken, or when he just needed someone to be there. I drove him to the clubs and back home while he got himself drunk. I tagged along when he was out meeting guys that he is not comfortable meeting alone. I became the middle person when he had problems with his ex boyfriend and even went dinner together with them. It was awkward, but I was still there for him. I have never felt so close to someone else besides Robb, and it felt nice. 

However, things turned around when he met his current boyfriend. He started to spend less time (or none at all) with his friends, and even with me. Chats became short messages, and I hardly ever see him anymore. This went on for awhile until they had some fight, and he started to come into my life again. Long story short, they got back together and now I'm being left out again. I feel so stupid and used, and I'm not sure if I can trust anyone else to really be a friend to them anymore. 

As such, I'm now back to my usual routine of going to work and back home. I do not have any close friend to hang out with, no group to travel with, and no one to drink with when I'm feeling down for no good reason. I don't even enjoy playing games on my PC as much as I used to and get bored easily from it.

Looking on the bright side, I'm still with Robb and feeling loved every single day. I have 3 very cute, lovely, but noisy dogs. I would not let them go even if my skin melts from my allergy. One might say that this is what most people look for, especially for gays. I'm blessed to have him loving me even after all these years, but, somehow I still feel incomplete at times. I have no social life.

Now that I'm almost 30, I'm still as lost as I was. I have no past, uncertain present, and no future plans. It's a dark road ahead.