Looking through my secondary school friend's blogs, as well as other friends' blogs, I feel jealous. Jealous that everyone is moving forward with their lives, getting a good degree, landing on a good job, traveling to places and etc. As for me, I'm a nobody, and has nothing to be proud of.
I was considered one of the goody-two-shoes boy who was smart and clever during my younger days. My parents had always had high hopes of me as my grades were considered above average and were better than all my other cousins. I scored in exams without much hard work, didn't give any troubles to my parents, and was enjoying life and taking it easy.
Everything changed since Form 3 started. I started to feel depressed, to feel lonely. Mood swings come and go, and I hardly smile since then. When I walk, my head would be looking down on the floor, just like my mood, instead of looking forward. I had friends, but somehow, my circle of friends keep changing each year. I never belonged anywhere, drifting from one group to another.
My results were still alright, just not as good as before. My parents were worried at a point that my mum came to ask me what was wrong, why do I look so sad all the time. I could not answer. I had mixed feelings, was confused, and cried myself to sleep most of the nights. I could even cry when I listened to sad songs on the radio when driving. Why? Partly due to the fact that I could not accept myself for having feelings towards guys and another part of it, I have no idea.
Few years later when I entered college, I started to feel better, as I told my dirty little secret to some of my friends, and they accepted me for who I am. I slowly learned to accept myself as well, and my emotions were not as shaky as before. More people knew later on, some of them were told by me, some of them guessed, and some of them couldn't keep their mouth shut and spread the news themselves. I've heard nasty things behind my back, but I chose to ignore it. I've learned to be invisible.
Even so, I've felt that I've never move a step forward from since the age of 15. I feel as if I'm stuck in a bubble, hiding inside it for it's protection. Everything I do, never seemed to go to the next level. Played tennis and was good at it at first, but stopped later on as somehow I seemed to be getting worse in it. Same thing goes for bowling, my average score was 150 to 180, even reached 225 once without any training. But after that everything seems to go down the drain as I can't even reach 100.
Being the lost boy I am, I didn't know what I want to be when I grow up. So my mum asked me to see the school counselor to seek for his advice on what to study when I entered college. Somehow, I ended up taking accounts. I did ok for the first few semesters as I was good in maths, but at the last few semesters, I just barely got through it.
Thinking I would do better in KL after finishing my diploma, I continued my advanced diploma. I thought I would have no problems living with other people as I was used to sleeping over at my friends' house during secondary school but I was so wrong. Things start to take a turn for the worst between me and my housemates/friends, lost interest in my studies, and did nothing but played all day long.
Again, I made my parents worry. I met Robb after that, and he managed to save me from drowning myself with depression again. I took up another course, and did quite well in it. The subjects were quite interesting but I had problems with the Japanese paper. Soon after, I was to do my internship in a travel agency. It was not what I had expected to be, as nothing was relevant to what I had studied at all. The job was boring and I had some problems in communication.
Now, months after my internship had finished, I'm still doing nothing at home, did not manage to get my Diploma in Tourism yet as I still had a Japanese paper to finish. I have no idea what to do, and wandered into the lost path as I did before. People would just ask me to get a part-time job for the mean time, or do something productive for a change. I wanted to, but I cannot overcome my subconscious mind which is keeping me in this bubble for so long. It's as if I had the power to break free from this fragile bubble, but my body feels too weak to do so.
People might just think that I'm giving excuses, being lazy and am useless. Maybe that is what I am. That's how I feel, useless. When will I grow up? When will I be free from myself? Until I do, I will always feel like the loser I am. I am a nobody.
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