Thursday, January 08, 2009

Bubbles..


Looking through my secondary school friend's blogs, as well as other friends' blogs, I feel jealous. Jealous that everyone is moving forward with their lives, getting a good degree, landing on a good job, traveling to places and etc. As for me, I'm a nobody, and has nothing to be proud of.

I was considered one of the goody-two-shoes boy who was smart and clever during my younger days. My parents had always had high hopes of me as my grades were considered above average and were better than all my other cousins. I scored in exams without much hard work, didn't give any troubles to my parents, and was enjoying life and taking it easy.

Everything changed since Form 3 started. I started to feel depressed, to feel lonely. Mood swings come and go, and I hardly smile since then. When I walk, my head would be looking down on the floor, just like my mood, instead of looking forward. I had friends, but somehow, my circle of friends keep changing each year. I never belonged anywhere, drifting from one group to another.

My results were still alright, just not as good as before. My parents were worried at a point that my mum came to ask me what was wrong, why do I look so sad all the time. I could not answer. I had mixed feelings, was confused, and cried myself to sleep most of the nights. I could even cry when I listened to sad songs on the radio when driving. Why? Partly due to the fact that I could not accept myself for having feelings towards guys and another part of it, I have no idea.

Few years later when I entered college, I started to feel better, as I told my dirty little secret to some of my friends, and they accepted me for who I am. I slowly learned to accept myself as well, and my emotions were not as shaky as before. More people knew later on, some of them were told by me, some of them guessed, and some of them couldn't keep their mouth shut and spread the news themselves. I've heard nasty things behind my back, but I chose to ignore it. I've learned to be invisible.

Even so, I've felt that I've never move a step forward from since the age of 15. I feel as if I'm stuck in a bubble, hiding inside it for it's protection. Everything I do, never seemed to go to the next level. Played tennis and was good at it at first, but stopped later on as somehow I seemed to be getting worse in it. Same thing goes for bowling, my average score was 150 to 180, even reached 225 once without any training. But after that everything seems to go down the drain as I can't even reach 100.

Being the lost boy I am, I didn't know what I want to be when I grow up. So my mum asked me to see the school counselor to seek for his advice on what to study when I entered college. Somehow, I ended up taking accounts. I did ok for the first few semesters as I was good in maths, but at the last few semesters, I just barely got through it.

Thinking I would do better in KL after finishing my diploma, I continued my advanced diploma. I thought I would have no problems living with other people as I was used to sleeping over at my friends' house during secondary school but I was so wrong. Things start to take a turn for the worst between me and my housemates/friends, lost interest in my studies, and did nothing but played all day long.

Again, I made my parents worry. I met Robb after that, and he managed to save me from drowning myself with depression again. I took up another course, and did quite well in it. The subjects were quite interesting but I had problems with the Japanese paper. Soon after, I was to do my internship in a travel agency. It was not what I had expected to be, as nothing was relevant to what I had studied at all. The job was boring and I had some problems in communication.

Now, months after my internship had finished, I'm still doing nothing at home, did not manage to get my Diploma in Tourism yet as I still had a Japanese paper to finish. I have no idea what to do, and wandered into the lost path as I did before. People would just ask me to get a part-time job for the mean time, or do something productive for a change. I wanted to, but I cannot overcome my subconscious mind which is keeping me in this bubble for so long. It's as if I had the power to break free from this fragile bubble, but my body feels too weak to do so.

People might just think that I'm giving excuses, being lazy and am useless. Maybe that is what I am. That's how I feel, useless. When will I grow up? When will I be free from myself? Until I do, I will always feel like the loser I am. I am a nobody.

~§hö©kWävê~

16 comments:

-roz- said...

geez, dun take everythng so hard to urself.. =] thngs like dis do happen kan, where u feel uncertain in sum part of ur live and u dun even knw wat u want.. and even if u do, it feels so hard..

but hang in there... u got Robb wif u ma.. =]

fr the time being, u shud really set ur goal frst ma.. determination.. :p

anyway, gud luck, never gve up.. Jia You! =]

JC said...

I cant really give you a very good advise as I am having some similar problem as you do.

I am also a no body, but I am trying to make a change. I want to start with not caring whoever's negative comment on me first, and of coz, change if needed.

I am not a sports person, not good in any sport activity, but I am trying to pick up one by one, bit by bit. You should too, since you are good in tennis (at least you can play), try to play with someone, keep playing, improve or not, depends on individual, but at least you are doing sport.

Improvement will only come when you practice hard.

Bad in communication or other things, can change. Step by step, like how you accept yourself.

Don't trap yourself in the bubble, you are the only person can burst it and free yourself. No one else can help you if you dont help yourself!

You are someone, at least you have the courage to accept yourself and decide your own path. Many people can't do that.

Good luck! I am not a good counselor, perhaps I am telling you all these as a reader of your blog. People do care about you, try to open to the others.

These are just my point of view, I am not so good in taking care of my problems too, but I just like to help others. Happy if I managed to help you, otherwise, I'm so sorry for bothering.

Take care.

Shiuji said...

Hei Nice to meet you...

Dont simply give up ok? Try to love everything around you. You are not "no body", you are important to everyone of us, maybe you cant see how it works, but it has its way.

Dont have to care how people see you! Just enjoy life. Have a part time job is good, like selling food in Mcdonald's, selling shirt, I wish to try. Because normally can see many lengcai. Take everything to its good way, you will see nice future.

Cheer up! you can msn with me, if you don't mine.

roy_ckwai88@msn.com

Gambate ne! *@*

Shiuji said...

Forget to tell you. You have good taste on music... I like those songs you upload here... Esspecially Overworld...
Ultra nice...

Jyane... smile *@*

i l y n said...

don't keep yourself in those bubbles.. you are not 'nobody' but you are somebody.. before, in our 2 years of colleges life, you are the most amazing and most brilliant among us..

you are still our frens no matter what happens. you still have lots of friends who support you..

so, don't give up and just brings out what your really wanted to do without any hesitation!!

take care ;0)

HitoMi^^ said...

staying in bubbles indeed very tempting
what is even being protected by someone you love

But then if you think you wanna change your whole life perspective
do it...

because no one is nobody in this world
do you wanna be a giver or a taker
it is up to you

You wanna bring happiness to people around you and get the sense of self satisfaction

OR

you wan to have people around you to care for you or be there for you and you feel much protected

it is all up to you..

hope you can find a brand new target in your life

living in the world without knowing what to do is so meaningless

all the best^^

Binn said...

ya know what is the worse thing in the world? having friends that you couldn't confess to..

I am too having the same problem as you are in 15.. i am 18 though... yet im still lost in this direction dilema.. I have a huge circle of girl friends, and an adequet amount of male friends too... yet when people ask me about any girl friend... the feeling of guilt just oozes out.. darn... how you got over it anyway???

Zach said...

Thanks guys, and girls. :) I'm ok actually, just got a little moody. Will do my best to move on, especially since I have Robb and you guys to support me. :)

Binn: I started by gathering all my balls (courage) and told my dark little secret to one of my close friend. He was ok with it, I felt better after that, and one thing lead to another, I started to tell to other close friends of mine. :)

Willy's Diary said...

moods swing ups and downs, we can't control that but we can avoid. when you feel moody, try to listen to your favourite music, or a yum cha session with your buddies perhaps?

well, i guess robb will worry when you get emo. for the sake of this cibai ego bastard chauvinistic sotong zai, chill out! ^_^

good luck :)

cookiedonut said...

cheer up! dont stress urself, enjoy d life =)

desmond-t said...

Dei budak...listen to me...

1. Never compare youself with others, not even with your peers.. If you do, why not just compare yourself with Bill Gates who oledi made his first million when he is super young? Abo, compare yourself with those Palestinians lads who did nothing but sit at home waiting to be bombed by the Israelis?

2. Why so negative? You never disappoint your parents unless you think you did. Prove to them that you are gonna achieve something.

3. Think less, act smart. Go straight to the point. Stop playing games and go on with your life. Don't hesitate and wait anymore...

if you want to get or job or something else, just go and get it..no nid think so much liao..

think think think and later sendiri naik gila,...Just DO it!

Cmate said...

Hey!

You sounded like me... way backwards, of course! Don't worry, life changes... at its time, not ours. And when it does, I am sure you are ready to embrace it.

CHeerios, dude!

hungheykwun said...

hey zach,

if i were u, i'd say to hell with it and give my best shot in life. heck, you're already at the bottom,whats the worst can fate throw to you anymore right?

Zach said...

Hugs to all. ^^

BLue said...

Aww, life have never been easy to everyone. Be glad that you are blessed to have Robb with you during your ups and down. Stay strong there

beachlover said...

Have some pride.

Fake it till you make it.

And yeah... getting out there and doing something (eg. part time job) will help a lot. Take action... motion creates emotion.

Study can drain your energy... doing some other activities like working will recharge you.