Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Sigh..

Nothing good comes out whenever I start blogging. All you see are sad and depressing stuff. I am currently having exams and thus am awake for the whole night doing last minute studying. With so much time on my own, I start to think of what lies ahead of me, as well as everything that has happened.

For a start, I realized that I never really belonged to any group of friends. Whenever I see people with a group of their own I tend to feel envious. Even though I'm glad I have Robb with me, I still feel lonely sometimes. Due to the recent happenings, I felt even worse. You could say that I lost a friend whom I am really fond of for quite some time. Things are just not the same as it used to be.

After my exams I will be heading back to Penang for a short holiday as well as for Chinese New Year. I guess I would be staying home a lot then. Before you know it, I will be back in KL, doing my industrial training. I have never worked before, not even a part-time job. My fear of stepping into the working life is starting to shroud around me again. I never really knew why I felt this way.

How will my life be? What is it like to be working as a trainee in a travel agency? What am I supposed to do there? Will I be able to handle the jobs given to me? So many questions and yet all the answers are unavailable to me. I know those are silly questions but they keep popping up from my brain. Will my friendship with Justin ever recover to what it used to be? Will I know more people who will eventually be close friends with me? Will history repeat itself? Sigh..

I've become more and more anti-social I guess. I used to have lots of people to mix with. Now I'm just becoming one of those people with no life, playing online games and chatting with people through my new Personal Computer. When will I ever be able to speak up to so many people in reality? I can crap a lot when I'm chatting through MSN but when it comes to real life, I'm entirely different. Why is that so? I have no idea. Maybe having been depressed few years back made me into a person with several layers of walls to protect myself.

It might feel nice to be hiding behind a protective layer, but curiosity always makes you want to tear down those walls and see what happens. Sometimes it does work, tearing down those walls, but after awhile things start to happen and the walls start to build itself up again. I guess I'll be trapped inside this wall forever, hiding like a small kid who is afraid of the world.

Guess I'll go back to my studies now. Hospitality Law paper in 4 hours time. Pray I don't flunk like my Japanese paper.

~§hö©kWävê~

4 comments:

savante said...

Well you could always meet up with the folks you see online :) I think most of the bloggers are pretty friendly.

William said...

Yes, I did notice the gloominess of recent posts. Bad streak of luck also la... When the storm goes, the birds will be chirping and the rainbow will appear!

Mr Rainbow Man said...

you have robb.... and that's good enough, right?

Zach said...

savante, its not the same. He was my classmate for a year until he had to repeat his 1st year. He's also my housemate for more than a year. So we were kinda close. =\

Well William, mr rainbow man did appear after your comment. I guess you're right. LoLz.

mr rainbow man, having a bf and having a friends are 2 different things. you still need friends even though you're attached.