Deja Vu..

Darkness will always be lurking inside you, preying on you when you least expect it. You might think that it has disappeared after so many years of absence, but deep inside it is still waiting for the sun to set. You will never break free from it.

Twenties..

Feels like an eternity since I've poured my soul out in this open, yet desolated space. Even so, it seems like the right time and place for me to spill out my feelings, again. It's almost the end 2014, and there will be few more months left before I am no longer in my 20s. 

What have I been doing till now? Nothing spectacular. My work has been repetitive and I don't think I have any passion to stay on. The only incentive that keeps me going now is the salary that they are paying me. I mentioned in one of my previous post that my manager offered me a position where I do not have to work shift hours with other promises. It was all pure bullshit. Nothing happened as he had no power to give me that particular position and was rejected by another manager. Fast forward 3 years later, I did receive opportunities to learn new things in different teams, but sadly still on shift hours. Oh well.

Looking through my Facebook news feeds, quite a number of my high school friends have already gotten married with kids. Some of them are even doing well with their jobs, travelling all around the world and having the time of their lives. 

Looking in the mirror, I am still where I was. Maybe a little meatier, less hair and more skin problems. My level of confidence and self esteem is mostly non existence, but I do hide it well when people are around. I do not have any friends from the past to hold on to, and none in the present for me to look forward to. 

I used to have someone who I can call my bestie. I was there for him when he was bored, when he was heart broken, or when he just needed someone to be there. I drove him to the clubs and back home while he got himself drunk. I tagged along when he was out meeting guys that he is not comfortable meeting alone. I became the middle person when he had problems with his ex boyfriend and even went dinner together with them. It was awkward, but I was still there for him. I have never felt so close to someone else besides Robb, and it felt nice. 

However, things turned around when he met his current boyfriend. He started to spend less time (or none at all) with his friends, and even with me. Chats became short messages, and I hardly ever see him anymore. This went on for awhile until they had some fight, and he started to come into my life again. Long story short, they got back together and now I'm being left out again. I feel so stupid and used, and I'm not sure if I can trust anyone else to really be a friend to them anymore. 

As such, I'm now back to my usual routine of going to work and back home. I do not have any close friend to hang out with, no group to travel with, and no one to drink with when I'm feeling down for no good reason. I don't even enjoy playing games on my PC as much as I used to and get bored easily from it.

Looking on the bright side, I'm still with Robb and feeling loved every single day. I have 3 very cute, lovely, but noisy dogs. I would not let them go even if my skin melts from my allergy. One might say that this is what most people look for, especially for gays. I'm blessed to have him loving me even after all these years, but, somehow I still feel incomplete at times. I have no social life.

Now that I'm almost 30, I'm still as lost as I was. I have no past, uncertain present, and no future plans. It's a dark road ahead. 

~§hö©kWävê~

Self Esteem..

"Believe not in yourself, but the people who believe in you"

For someone who is low on self esteem such as me, this particular comment in Facebook by a friend of mine is quite suitable for me.

~§hö©kWävê~

Ripples..

Sitting alone in Coffee Bean with nothing to do made me feel like pouring my soul into this this silent place again. With so many things happening lately, I wonder how much difference would it make in the lives of Malaysians. Would it be enough to finally turn this country around for a new start? No one knows what the future holds, but those brave enough to start this ripple of change will definitely make a difference in stirring the emotions of others who are afraid to stand up and defend their rights. I for one have been affected, though not much, but still it's a start. I was never interested in politics, but to see so much lies and unjust that we have suffered, I guess I should take more interest in what is happening around the country or at least register to be a voter. Yes, I'm 26 and I have yet to register. 

This is indeed a sad country. To fear those that were supposed to protect us, to be told lies by those who were supposed to lead us, and to suffer the consequences of their greed. If things do not change, I wonder how many people will flee this forsaken place. There is still hope as more and more of the younger generations are taking interest to fight for what is rightfully theirs, and not just cower at home like me. Let's just hope the ripple of change will grow big enough to make a difference before there is no hope left in the hearts of those brave people fighting for our freedom.

As for myself, a person who is not comfortable with change, has been going through situations where changes are necessary. I left my idle job as a concierge early this year, right before Chinese New Year and got myself a higher pay job in a call centre. I did not leave in a proper way, as the manager was not keen on letting me go and was not very cooperative when I wanted to find a solution with him for me to leave early. Started on the new job and was fine at first, but started to feel the toll of working shift hours terribly. Had to work during hours where everyone else was free, and was free when everyone else are working. It reached the point where I unwillingly had to force myself to go to work everyday.

I then that I want to find a more stable job, especially in the working hours. I did not search hard though and took my time as usual, as I am in my comfortable zone. Somehow I landed myself an interview with a company that sells products to hotels, and was given quite a good offer and it seemed like a nice place to work as it is not a big company, which means less politics as well. After going through the second interview, I was offered the job and could start as soon as I can. Took me a while to finally decide to leave my current job and take a risk in this new offer. I wasn't sure that I could cope with this new job as I have never been in this line before and it took some convincing from Robb and few of my close friends that I could do it.

However, when I finally spoke to my boss regarding my resignation, I was told that he actually knew about this issue and wanted to propose something else to me. I wonder which colleague of mine told him this =.='. He was actually planning to switch me to another department where the working hours are fixed and I can have one of the weekends off for certain, instead of working shift hours and having off days on weekdays like what I am having now. It is sort of a promotion, and he was even planning to send me to Bangkok with few others for a week to work in the main office. Hearing this itself was attractive enough to make me stay as it made me felt like I was valued in this company, as there were few others who tendered resignation recently and they were not asked to stay. I'm not sure how true is it that my boss had this plan since the beginning, but it made me feel like I'm not useless, even though it was just a brief feeling before I revert back to the low self-esteem me.  

Making decisions is something that I'm never good at, and to think that I have to make another decision after I have forced myself to resign. Blah. After another round of mental torture, I finally decided to stay on and see where this road will lead me. Robb says that my career is progressing slowly, all I see is more stress added to my life and less hair on my head =.='. Hopefully I can handle, as with more salary comes greater responsibilities, and less savings. Lol. Felt good to be able to write smoothly again. =)

~§hö©kWävê~

Offline..

I feel like writing again, but, not over here.. Should just shut this place down..

~§hö©kWävê~

The Last Week of 2010..

Last weekend was quite relaxing and enjoyable. I sort of organized a small steamboat dinner with Robb and some of my online friends during Christmas Eve in Xiao Fei Yang. Not all of them know each other, so I was afraid that it might get awkward, but I'm glad that it turned out fine. The usual ones were there, Jason and Evan, as well as two other Jason's, one which I haven't met for a very long time, and another one who stays nearby my house. There was Marvin as well, a friend which I've been chatting online with but just met up on that night. The food was quite nice and wasn't really that expensive as I've thought it will be.

Some of us went to Market Place after dinner that night, and there wasn't really much of a crowd there. Although it was a Friday night, we thought there would at least be more people there since it was a Christmas eve. We had some problems going in as Marvin was still below 21, but we managed to sort it out. He was kinda the main attraction in our group that night as almost everyone was all over him, literally. I find him attractive too, but felt envy towards him as well as I don't think I've ever had this much attention.

Come to think of it, I've always had this feeling of being envy of other people's life. The good looks that they have, they places they have been, the friends they have, etc. When I feel this way, my self esteem reverts back to what is was when I was in secondary school, which is very low. When will I ever learn to feel good about myself? My career is nothing great, but at least I have a job. I have a very fantastic boyfriend of 5 years and two cute dogs which most people would be envy of. As for friends, I can't say I don't have any, just not really close ones that I can find to hang out with all the time.

I guess the only time when I feel good is when Robb is around me. Maybe I should hit the gym more often to tone up my body as well as my confidence.With the year ending, most people will be making their new year resolutions. Maybe this should be one of my main things-to-do that I should stick to, besides finding a new job. Well, I guess I should live the remaining three days of the year 2010 as much as I could. What should I do on New Year's eve? Hm.

~§hö©kWävê~

Christmas Mood..

With a blink of the eye, it's already the last month of the year 2010. It will be weeks before Christmas but I can already feel the holiday mood in me. Still no plans as usual, and I think it's gonna be just me and Robb again. It has been this way for a very long time, celebrating holidays with just each other. It's not that I don't appreciate being with him, I'm very happy that we've spent all our holidays together. It's just that sometimes I need to feel that I belong somewhere else as well, maybe like a small group of close friends that can hang out with us during such festivals, or go on a holiday trip somewhere.

Robb will be going off on a company trip next week, and I'll be home alone from Monday till Friday. He bought one World of Warcraft account for me to play so that I don't get bored as he knows how much I love playing online games. It's nice, but I think it won't replace the feeling of having someone around. I've been moody lately, especially when I'm left alone at home or sitting alone at work. It feels as though the depressed side of me from my teenage years have caught up with me, and it's not a good feeling. Guess it's back to emo posts.

Merry Christmas.

~§hö©kWävê~

Late Comers..

It is very frustrating to have colleagues that is ALWAYS late for work, especially if you’re working shift hours. I mean, they should know how the traffic is like from their house to the work place especially since they’ve been working here for so long, so why can’t they come out earlier instead of giving excuses such as getting stuck in the jam? And if they have to work in the morning, for gods sake why do they even think of going out late at night and come to work feeling like a zombie and then complain about it? If it happens once awhile then it is understandable, but if it happens all the time then it has already become a bad habit.

~§hö©kWävê~

Steamboat..

I don’t think I can ever get enough of this, for now. I just had steamboat last Saturday, and now I’m craving for it again. Have to control myself from having an overdose of it as I might get sick of it someday, which I don’t want to. It’s just like how I used to love the cookies from Famous Amos until Robb gave me an overdose as he keeps on buying it for me, and he does not want to eat it with me so I had to finish them all by myself. Now I can’t even stand the smell of it. =.=”

Steamboat tonight anyone?

~§hö©kWävê~

Asus Eee PC 1015 PEM Netbook..

I bought this new toy last Saturday before heading for steamboat in Sunway with Robb, Jason and few other bloggers. I was quite indecisive at first as there were lots of different offers in Low Yat, and the salesmen were all giving me different information. I had to go there three times before I finally decided to buy it.

I got it for RM 1199.00, after changing the RAM to a 2GB DDR3. The specs are quite good for the price that I’m paying for I guess, and most of all, I love the colour! It kinda replaces my obsession for the white iPhone4, as I heard that it won’t be coming out, so I’m quite happy with this purchase.

I’m currently writing using my new toy, but sadly I’m stationed to work in one of the towers that does not have internet connectivity. I’ll be stuck here most of the week, so I can’t use my netbook much to online. Guess I’ll just chuck in some movie series for now, or slowly update my blog since I don’t have much distractions from FB or MSN.

Till next time,

~§hö©kWävê~

Relaxing Day Off..

Being the only day off for my entire week, it was quite nice as I get to sleep until 2PM. Didn't go anywhere as Robb was out playing MTG, and I needed to get some rest and play with ZuZi at home. They missed me a lot as I didn't get to spend much time with them lately. Zizi is becoming more and more attention seeking, as she always try to come and manja with me whenever I'm playing with Zuzu. She is also quite an actress, as whenever I'm not looking, she'll be playing roughly with Zuzu all over the house, and when I'm near her, she would be so quiet and act as if Zuzu is bullying her. Wonder where and whom she learnt that from. Hehe.

My ex-boyfriend's brother, Kenny, just came to KL few days ago to further his studies. Been hanging out with him recently (well only twice as he just reached KL last Tuesday night) and it was nice to catch up with him as I didn't see him for few years already. He's a very nice guy and he's like a brother to me as well. He didn't know about me dating his brother previously, and only knew after I broke up with his brother as I told him during my trip to Langkawi to visit him. Even so, he was alright with it and didn't treat me any differently. I guess he even treats me as a brother as he still calls me 'gor'.

Next week would be a lousy week for me, as my off day would temporarily be switched to Wednesday as there's not enough people working during the weekends. No idea what to do, as most people would be working, unless I ask someone who is still studying to go out with me, or I could just stay at home. Oh well, this is another reason why working shift sucks. It would be nice if I could find a 5 day week job and get my off days every weekend, instead of having to change my schedule every single week. I'm tired.

~§hö©kWävê~

Random Call..

Me: Good morning, Marc Residence.

Caller: Pass me to Eva.

Me: One moment please.

*passes the call*........*no one answered*

Me: I'm sorry, Ms Eva is not available at the moment.

Caller: Do you know where is she/what is she doing?

Me: Sorry sir, I'm not sure as she is up in the office and I'm at the front desk below.

Caller: Monkey la you. *hangs up*

Me: ...........

~§hö©kWävê~

Friend's 21st Birthday Party..

Few days back, I went to Kulai (Johor) with Robb to celebrate our friend's 21st birthday party. Although it was quite a rush, it was worth it as he did came down to KL to visit us on some occasions. So it was our turn to return the favor to go celebrate his big day with him and his friends and family. It was a tiring weekend for us as we went there right after work on Friday, and came back on Sunday. 

There was an accident along the North-South Expressway on Sunday, the very same day that we came back from Johor. The Delima Express bus crashed and killed 12 people while the rest of it's passengers barely survived. There is a video posted in YouTube and also shared in FaceBook showing the aftermath of the accident, and it was not a pleasant one. 

I'm not sure when or where is the exact time and location of the accident but it was around the evening, which would be around the same time when I was travelling back to KL from Johor. It is quite scary when I think of it, as it could have been my bus which was involved in that accident. Reading the news about the deaths of so many young passengers, as well as some being deeply wounded and paralyzed, I somehow feel sad and frightened at the same time. 

I don't want to die, not now.

~§hö©kWävê~

1825 Days Together..

Yesterday was my anniversary with Robb, and it's our fifth year together! I am really glad that we made it this far, even though it wasn't smooth sailing all the time but we made it through. We went for a simple dinner in Jogoya with Cookie Donut, Robb's younger sister and two of her friends. There were few others that I asked to tag along, but seems like we don't have much close friends to hang out with. Oh well, at least there's still one or two that we can count on to have a good time together.

It was quite packed in Jogoya last night, as they were having a 50% discount promotion for the ladies. I wonder when will they do a promotion for guys instead, so sexist. All of us met up in front of Jogoya at 6pm, as Robb was working on that day. I managed to skip my night shift, as no one wanted to swap with me and there's enough people to cover that night thanks to two of my colleagues. xD

We were placed quite far behind, beside the window, looking down on the streets of Starhill. There wasn't much to look at though as they were building something right in front of Starhill's entrance. So much for having a window view. The food was quite alright last night, despite the fact that people keep mentioning that the food quality have dropped a lot. Most importantly, they still serve red wine! I used to grab as much as I can, and my record was 12 glasses, but surprisingly I only had 2 last night. Didn't had the urge to gobble down wine, and had free flow of slurries instead. LOL.

Few days before that, I went to shop around for a gift, as I did not give him anything for our previous anniversaries. I had very few ideas at that time, but mostly was getting him and myself similar watches. I would say he's in a quite good position in his company at this moment, so it would be nice if he had a proper watch, just as a status. I was also looking for one myself all this while, just that it's hard to find one that I like and is within my budget. Lucky for me, I found one which is quite nice and yet affordable for me to buy in a pair! I managed to keep it a secret until last night when I gave it to him during the dinner. 

My life might seem dull and not very progressive at times, having the same routine everyday, but I guess having Robb with me completes my life. I love you dear, hopefully we can go through unlimited anniversaries till death do us part. ^_^

p.s. Pics were taken from previous Bangkok trip, too busy eating to take any pictures in Jogoya xD

~§hö©kWävê~

Can You Keep A Secret..

I've heard of this song quite long ago, and it was one of my favourite song from Celine Dion's many albums. I'm not sure whether I've posted it here before or not but here it is. It has been a long time since I've last heard it, until recently when one of my colleagues played her CD in his car. Since then, I've been listening to this song almost everyday. Her love songs are really nice to listen to, especially when you're in love like me. xD

~§hö©kWävê~

Short Trip Home..

I will be heading back home to Penang next weekend after working for so many days non-stop. It was actually my colleagues who wanted to go there and asked me along so I could bring them to places that has nice food. After all, locals knows best. But then, it has been quite some time since I've explored Penang myself, so the places that I used to know might not be there anymore, or the food quality might have changed. There might even be new places that I've not heard of. So, I guess I'm not exactly a very good guide for them next weekend. There are few places that I know still exists and still serve the same delicious food as before, but I guess I would need some help from my friends who are still staying in Penang to show me other places. One thing for sure, Laksa will definitely be the top of my list xD. 

I will only be back for three days, so I guess I have to plan my time properly. I want to spend some time with my family since I haven't been home for so long. There are also some friends that I want to hang out with so I guess it's gonna be kinda hectic. Sigh, I need a longer holiday. But then again, who doesn't? For those who are on long school holidays, be glad you have that extra time to spend. I guess I'm a little moody today, since I'm working on a public holiday and my other colleagues will be coming in late, which resulted in me not having time to go for my lunch break. A hungry man is an angry man.

~§hö©kWävê~

Lemang Oh Lemang..

The only thing that I look forward during Hari Raya besides getting triple pay is lemang! Ever since I first had it long long time ago during one of my visits to my father's friend's house, I've been loving it until now. It's not easy to find people selling it unless it's during Raya season, and I've been craving for it since last year! One of my colleagues brought 2 tupperwares of lemang for us last year and I almost cleared all of it by myself. Hahaha. Hopefully she will bring more this year. Making myself hungry now talking about food early in the morning and I haven't even had breakfast yet. Blah.

~§hö©kWävê~

What Is Your Motivation?

In life, there's always something that pushes people to do things. It might be that they have a dream that they want to achieve, or even wanting to prove themselves to others. There are still lots of reasons why people do the things they do, a button that drives them to work hard to achieve it, and everyone has their own story to tell. But where is that button of mine?

Today, I met up with a handsome guy that I got to know from Facebook. He is in my Facebook since quite some time ago, but I never actually got to know him until two weeks back when I bumped into him in Midvalley. We started to keep in touch and we eventually met up this afternoon after work, as he had something that he wanted to share with me. 

He shared an opportunity with me, a chance to improve my life financially. He then told me his story, on why he wanted to do this business, his motivation, his ambitions and his dreams. It is a Multi Level Marketing company, so most people would say that this is how they brainwash you to join them. Even so, he did not pester me and our conversation went at my pace. He seemed sincere, but Robb would say that I am just mesmerized by his looks. I do not deny that he's quite charming, but I can sense that he's honest. Maybe I'm just easily fooled?

Anyway, our conversation was not only about the business. We talked about our lives, so that we could know each other better. Listening to him talking about how and what he is doing to achieve his goal, it got me thinking, what is it that will drive me to improve myself, or to get a better job, or even to go into this business that might improve my life financially if I work hard on it. Everyone has their dreams that they want to achieve, but what is mine? To travel around the world? If so, why is it that I don't feel the push to do something about it?

It's just the same thing all over again, before I started working. I was doing nothing and just stayed home, neither studying nor working. I solely relied on my savings to survive for few months, and finally forced myself to look for a job as my money was drying up. The situation pushed me to go out from my comfortable zone and to actually start my first job, which is the one I'm still doing now.

So, why can't I do things to improve myself without having to rely on such situations to push me? Am I really that contented with my life, that I'm willing to just sit in this comfort zone of mine? It sucks to be indecisive, to want to stay in this bubble of mine and yet wondering what if I were to do something more. People will ask me to change myself, but changes are not easy to make, especially not for me. I do not know why, I just know that I'm always in a dilemma. Sigh.

~§hö©kWävê~

Working Shift Hours..

As a concierge in a service apartment, my job requires me and my colleagues to work on shifts. Basically we only have three shifts. On Mondays to Saturdays, morning shifts would be from 7am until 3pm, afternoon shifts from 12pm until 8pm, and night shifts from 3pm until 11pm. As for Sundays and public holidays, morning shifts would be from 9am until 5pm, followed by 10am until 6pm, and afternoon shifts from 12pm until 8pm. There is no need for a graveyard shift, as in working through the night, and public transports are still available after 11pm.

Before this, my brother was using my motorbike, so I had to rely on public transport to go to work. Morning and afternoon shifts weren't much of a trouble, as for the night shift, there's still the LRT in KLCC, but I would have to get a cab or ask someone to fetch me from the LRT station near my house as there were no more buses operating. Now that I have taken back my motorbike from my brother, I don't have to go through all that unless it rains.

Last year, there wasn't much of a problem with our schedules as everyone would just follow their schedules or just switch it with another person if they have something to do. This year, things started to get messy. We have two full-time staffs which can be considered as my junior as they just joined early this year. They have been a pain in the ass, always complaining about having night shifts, no transport back, and etc. If they have so much problems with working shift hours, why apply for this job in the first place?

Some even have other priorities that affects their work schedule and break time here. Having part-time work, fetching boyfriend's children, sending car to far-off places, and etc. And yet they dare to keep requesting things and making everyone's life miserable. I'm so pissed off every time I hear these people complain about things when they are the one who are mostly giving problems. I really miss the time when my previous boss and supervisor were still here, minus the new colleagues. Things are much more simple compared to now.

~§hö©kWävê~

Expect The Unexpected..

There are so many uncertainties in life. One might suddenly get a promotion, get fired, win a lucky draw, or even getting involved in an accident. So how do one face their daily lives without knowing what their day would bring? 

Just like this morning when I was on the way to work on my bike, a bag fell down from the bike in front of me and I almost collided with it. If I weren't careful enough and drove just a little faster, I would have hit the bag and injure myself. It was a close call. There were few other times as well where I almost met with an accident, but thank god I survived. 

To expect the unexpected does not mean that you have to worry about what will happen all the time, but instead it is to remind yourself that anything can happen. So be cautious, but not to the extreme, and live your life to the fullest so as to prevent yourself from having any regrets in case anything unwanted happens.

~§hö©kWävê~